Herrow

Herrow everybody.
update from last post I went to the doctors on Thursday and had a cry to get things out my system. I am back on citrophram whatever its called (happy pills). I have been referered to a counciller which will help me work through my problems.
I have been talking to my step mother about it she has been really helpful, more than my doctor anyway.
I have decided I want to get married in June but I dont know if Rob wants to or not it would be really cool if we do because I want to be with him for the rest of my life.
I also want a flat but thats not going to be anytime soon with this ressession we are in so I guess having 13 hours is better than no hours right?
Its nearlly 2am and I have work at 11:30 I cant sleeo and I am really bored while Rob is sleeping I will probably go to sleep soon before he wakes up telling me to go to sleep.
This is only going to be a short one sorry but it is late and there is not much to moan about today.

well anyway I will update soon
byee
Smashleigh
xoxo

Such A Goosh

Hiya yet again I haven't posted.

Well I turned 19 in December. Still happily Engaged to Robert, he moved in on 8Th January and have been together for 1year and 4 months which means I haven't posted in 6 months, (goosh) my new word is goosh I made it up when I wrote the title.
So I am still working in Morrison's cafe I left college hoping to get full-time so i can find a flat with Rob but they had to cut all extra hours which sucks cause now I have to work 13 hours a week and try to pay my mom as much rent as i can and she moans when its only 80 quid. (blame Morrison's)

I hope they can give me hours soon cause i have no idea how i am going to survive off the wages I'm getting now also as an impulse buy I got myself a 36 pound a month contract. It's a good phone but I wish I could have afforded to buy it fully instead of going monthly. So i guess i am in a money funk which i hope will clear up in the next few months so i can get out of this slum I'm in.
I have been trying a healthy eating regime to loose weight but I keep screwing up and everyone around me is on healthy eating and loosing all this weight and when they ask me how much I have lost i just get so angry and want to cry.
Recently I have been really depressed and it gets worse at night when I'm trying to sleep I start thinking about things and they snowball into bigger problems and I cry and cry and have anxiety attacks its horrible i just feel worthless and I feel bad because I always disturb Rob from sleeping because he is worried about me and I don't want to bombard him with my problems and every time he asks if I'm alright I say I'm fine nothings wrong, sometimes I am fine though but now I do it so much he can never tell if I am fine or lying and I don't want to lie to him because I love him so much, if I lost him I don't know what I would do to myself.
At times like these I don't know what to do any more. Scream for help? or do I put a smile on my face and follow the rest of the sheep in this world that are dealing with depression. I don't want to do either of those things I just want to be genuine. If that even exists.
Anyway I'm out of here I have work in 12 hours and hope to wake up in time.
Thanks
Love
Ashlie
xoxo