my passion

hey guys so the last post was pretty emotional i was at a really bad stage of my 19 year old life I meant every word I said but theres the fine line between thinking it and doing it and i was just think about it I wasn't actually going to.
Anyway this new post isnt about that this is about my passion. I guess alot reacently i have lost all my ambitions and dreams and passion for anything i say i know i will write this book i get round to doing it and then bam i have this film to watch blah blah blah. then ooh i am going to make a tablet case get round to doing it oh i have no money i will forget about it. then i wanted to make a dolls house that went out the window. just so many things i have wanted to do but then i give up on them so easily. look at acting i did that for so many years and when i didnt get through on the 2nd course at college i gave up its like why bother with it. I need to find my passion again i dont know what it will be and if i will stick to it but at the moment all i have going for my work and passion wise is morrisons. i mean i love robert with a passion and i want to marry him and grow old with him it just feels like who am i who is Ashleigh Lauren Dean? in 10 years am i going to be financially stable in a house with rob and kids. or am i going to be swimming in debt and not being able to even produce a kid.
Hopefully this holiday to wales will help me find myself and light my flame again cause now all im doing is breathing in gas.

thanks and i will write soon
xoxo
smashleigh

Quick Update

Just a quick update about whats going on.
I have been on my pills for 6 days its going okay still anxious and paranoid things have been going through my head and it just goes on overdrive I dunno what to do about it.
I tided my room today took a few hours but atleast I can see the floor now! I did the dishwasher but even when my mom came home she was lecturing me about not cleaning the frying pan its like I can't please her when I have just done the dishewasher like she normally asks me to do when rob and her are out.
The other day she had ago at me for not putting the cheese in fridge when I didn't even use the cheese, Rob did but she wouldn't make him put it back it's me that has to do it, she puts him on a pedalstool and I get it in the neck, It's not fair.
Anyhoo I think thats all I have to say in my quick update if I think of anything else I will post again
BYEEEE
Smashleigh
xoxo

Herrow

Herrow everybody.
update from last post I went to the doctors on Thursday and had a cry to get things out my system. I am back on citrophram whatever its called (happy pills). I have been referered to a counciller which will help me work through my problems.
I have been talking to my step mother about it she has been really helpful, more than my doctor anyway.
I have decided I want to get married in June but I dont know if Rob wants to or not it would be really cool if we do because I want to be with him for the rest of my life.
I also want a flat but thats not going to be anytime soon with this ressession we are in so I guess having 13 hours is better than no hours right?
Its nearlly 2am and I have work at 11:30 I cant sleeo and I am really bored while Rob is sleeping I will probably go to sleep soon before he wakes up telling me to go to sleep.
This is only going to be a short one sorry but it is late and there is not much to moan about today.

well anyway I will update soon
byee
Smashleigh
xoxo

Such A Goosh

Hiya yet again I haven't posted.

Well I turned 19 in December. Still happily Engaged to Robert, he moved in on 8Th January and have been together for 1year and 4 months which means I haven't posted in 6 months, (goosh) my new word is goosh I made it up when I wrote the title.
So I am still working in Morrison's cafe I left college hoping to get full-time so i can find a flat with Rob but they had to cut all extra hours which sucks cause now I have to work 13 hours a week and try to pay my mom as much rent as i can and she moans when its only 80 quid. (blame Morrison's)

I hope they can give me hours soon cause i have no idea how i am going to survive off the wages I'm getting now also as an impulse buy I got myself a 36 pound a month contract. It's a good phone but I wish I could have afforded to buy it fully instead of going monthly. So i guess i am in a money funk which i hope will clear up in the next few months so i can get out of this slum I'm in.
I have been trying a healthy eating regime to loose weight but I keep screwing up and everyone around me is on healthy eating and loosing all this weight and when they ask me how much I have lost i just get so angry and want to cry.
Recently I have been really depressed and it gets worse at night when I'm trying to sleep I start thinking about things and they snowball into bigger problems and I cry and cry and have anxiety attacks its horrible i just feel worthless and I feel bad because I always disturb Rob from sleeping because he is worried about me and I don't want to bombard him with my problems and every time he asks if I'm alright I say I'm fine nothings wrong, sometimes I am fine though but now I do it so much he can never tell if I am fine or lying and I don't want to lie to him because I love him so much, if I lost him I don't know what I would do to myself.
At times like these I don't know what to do any more. Scream for help? or do I put a smile on my face and follow the rest of the sheep in this world that are dealing with depression. I don't want to do either of those things I just want to be genuine. If that even exists.
Anyway I'm out of here I have work in 12 hours and hope to wake up in time.
Thanks
Love
Ashlie
xoxo